There is a stage in every couple’s life when they start thinking of having a baby! Some couples buy books to know about the magical nine months. After delivery also there are books or paediatricians available.
But how will your every-stage life with the baby be, any idea?
Here are some funny little insights to go through before you get ‘the 2 lines’!!
Okay, first of all, once a parent, always a parent! World may fool you that it’s a couple of months/years job and then you are free! This is a straight away lie!
Pregnancy is usually a goody goody affair. Even if you have a severe nausea, you have someone to take care off. But wait, when babies puke, it’s your own puke! However bad smell comes out of it (yogurt like), you have still say, ‘oh baby, it is okay, mamma is here for you!’
Oh and how can I forget POOP??!!?? Believe me, some babies never burp... they POOP!! Gosh, after a lot of efforts like feeding and lullabies the baby is about to go in deep sleep and BAM! You smell something! I must admit here, the day you become a parent suddenly your nostrils work magically. Till then they either used for cold or smelling perfumes or aromas in kitchen. So coming back to poop, imagine the baby sleeping but you smell poop. To be doubly sure, you peep inside the diaper/nappy and see drop of yellow liquid.. thats poop and it must be cleaned! All the best mommy and daddy! And happy screaming baby!!
Feeding comes naturally to a mother! Whoa, NO! It takes a whole lot of physical efforts, it’s not a cake walk dear! There will be days that you will feel guilty, sulk, eat medicines, speak with a ‘breast feeding counsellor’, then you made to eat different types of laddoos. The feeding issue will be talk of the town, and then GOD finally, the feeding starts in a good flow! Naughty Nature!!
The day you become a mother, the clock is only for the gaps between the two feeds. Nothing else. The calendar is for vaccinations.
The glow in the pregnancy is now captured by dark circles under the eyes. The beautiful silky hair is now tied up tightly 24/7. Your sexy lingerie is replaced by feeding bra and awesome clothes by feeding gowns. At times, a mother gets thrilled to visit a paediatrician because she is able to wear normal clothes.
If the baby is well behaved one, normally demands feed after every two hours! Those two hours initially are like a luxury. Then later on you tend to answer all types of calls (nature and phone calls), have meals, have an interaction with an outside world called family members, maids etc. If not, all the best mommy. My sympathy is towards you! You can become as wild as any wild animal can be! An extra door bell, and are ready to kill the person at the door. And my my my, poor hubby ... be ready to face all types of third degrees here..! Once, an highly independent woman, will now tend to depend on people, mostly on hubby for the smallest thing to buy in this world! And dear mr new father, my serious advice .. never ever forget anything from the list, never buy anything extra and never choose on your own!! And if, by mistake, you tend to do anything of these... then silently obey whatever punishment the new mommy gives.. do not argue.. Finally it’s your own naughty sperm that has made your sweet n smiling wife a mommy... never forget that!
This point of time ‘role of a zombie’ will come naturally to you. Mouth ulcers, constipation and an art of how to hold on your pee (if the baby wishes to sleep peacefully on your lap)!
Now the baby goes in the second stage – 3 TO 6 Months. After a ruckus or a cyclone, both the mother and the baby get settled with each other. It’s a pretty lovey dovey affair now. And again, sorry Mr. & Mrs. Parents, even if the gynaecologist has given a green signal to have sex.. you have take the baby’s permission to do so!! Again, mind well, permissions can be deceptive!
For Mr. Parent (very important, kindly take a note of it) – around at this time if your hear Mrs. Parent talking how she had absolutely minimal mood swings and initial days with the new born were easy, never cut her! Mothers generally forget their struggling days if you don’t poke your dirty nose in between!
Then comes the ‘introduction of food’ stage. Man, I would so want to go back to the feeding every couple hours pattern! One fine day, the doctor says ‘follow the chart’! Now be prepared! There will be way too many advices, stories, experiences, memories for you to listen. I will keep it straight, either the baby likes food or no. There is no in-between. And if it’s the later, then all the best mommy (don’t forget to wear a raincoat)!!
Ah, one good point I forgot to mention, you suddenly become a good observer! You can now see the tiniest of pimple or yes.. changes in poop’s color, texture, pattern, size and smell. A parent tends to observe poop with interest! And, here not just observe, it can become subject of pride, topic of discussion, joke, satisfaction, worry, anything!
Forget the days where you and your hubby once planned romantic gateways, which restaurants to try, books, movies etc! These are the days where you only talk about the BABY or nothing at all! More precisely again, feed, potty, sleep patterns. These also can be topic of SOS calls. You prefer going to food courts rather than fine dining restaurants. You suddenly start hanging around in baby friendly environments and people.
Now there comes the naughty baby phase (officially). At this stage your baby is smart enough to understand on how to react in public. Beware. Never ask your baby to perform anything he/she usually does at home. It can cost you utter embarrassment. For example: ‘baby, give flying kishie to didi’.. the baby will do anything but will seldomly blow a simple ‘flying kishie’. And when by chance you happen to talk with an ugly, sleazy stranger.. Bang on... flying kishies can come in abundance (finally, you say it in your mind, honey at least find a good looking stranger)!!
I don’t know whether marriages come with a ‘deal’. But I am very much sure that taking care of your baby in social gatherings... is a BIG DEAL (between Mr. and Mrs. Parents)!! Okay, situation no. 1. To Mr. Parent: Never take the responsibility of taking care of the baby entirely, if you are wearing expensive clothes. Be prepared for an embarrassing situation. And Mrs. Parent expect a loud scream like....NOOOOOOOOOOOOO from your hubby. The baby can either spill water on pants, yellow khichadi on shirt or else simply puke! In the middle of the whole drama, the reaction of the baby will be oblivious.
Okay, second time you guys decide to switch the responsibility of the baby! Remember, you are still on the DEAL phase! Mrs. Parent is all dressed up. She is wearing beautiful pieces of jewellery like, bangles, necklace and all time favourite.. JHUMKAS!! I have not still understood that why there is a severe attraction between baby (boy preferably) and jhumkas!!! (Imagine the needful)!!
Now, Mr. Parent, if the baby is with the mommy.. It’s dangerous!! Think twice before you commit to the above deal. Have you heard this song?? ‘saree duniya ka bhoj hum uthate hain!!’ Yeah, right! Now your role is just that! The daddy has to hold baby bags! (yes, daddy...BAGS)! The bags can be of any colour (apart from the usual pinks n blues)! And man, they can be heavy too! ‘’what if the baby needs this?” This is one hell of a magical question wherein you can’t dare to argue. You simply oblige. If at all you do argue and reduce some 2-3 items from those baby bags.. and the naughty baby demands only those items later on... GAME OVER, Mr. Parent!
There are stages where the baby starts walking, blabblering, exploring drawers.. (so, don’t keep things handy)! After a while, you realise that your language is severely affected. For example – apple can become ‘appy’ and banana can become ‘nana’ even when you are shopping alone! Your car’s music collection is replaced by nursery rhymes! And in middle of your work in office, suddenly to find yourself humming those rhymes. This is all normal! Don’t worry!
By now, you are settled! Clicking family pictures. Making future investments for the baby.. Daddy and baby do wear same tee’s like ‘daddy my hero, baby my love’! And one fine day, the doctor says ‘wean the baby’!! Again, ALL THE BEST, ESPECIALLY TO DADDY!! Mr. Parent is now the new villain in separating mommy and baby ‘the most adorable time!’
And after going through all these things, in a gap of 3-4 years some brave parents produce another baby!!! Wow!! Congratulations!! Get ready for the whole BIG, NEW MEGA CIRCUS only with Double Dhamaka !!
Ps :After reading this, please do not hold me responsible if you develop cold feet at the last minute. While reading, if you make sounds like..awww, shoo cute, smile or laugh, you are on a right track to become parents. Stork will visit soon!
An experienced Mrs. Parent